How to heal from a break-up
Holy mother. Healing from a breakup can be a difficult and painful process, believe me I know it—but there are several things you can do to help yourself feel better. When I was crying on the streets of the Flatiron district in Manhattan, right after splitting up from my husband of ten years, the last thing I was planning on doing was any of the below (I legged it to a bar and then went dancing; alas, those were the days of being reckless).
I degress.
I eventually did these things—six months later… which gave me way too long a time to carry around a messy, treasure chest of icky, heavy, sad, fat, angry unresolved grief. Oh yep. If I had done any of this I would have been healthier, fitter and happier (unresolved grief can make you over-eat and drink; in fact there are a litany of grief-associated bad habits that many people use to numb their pain.)
So let’s get to it.
Doona day
First and foremost, it is important to give yourself time to grieve. It is normal to feel a wide range of emotions right after a breakup, including sadness, anger, guilt, and even relief. These emotions can be engulfing and scary, but you still need to take time to feel them. Take a doona day. Tell your colleagues you’re sick. Look after yourself.
Right now, take a breath. Feel the weight of your body. Feel your chest.
As we like to say at The Heartful, don’t react to the reaction (the emotion), rather let it be. Allow yourself to feel and process these emotions, rather than trying to suppress or ignore them.
Anxiety is an emotion, too. Try not to get into a spiral about why you’re feeling anxious (this leads to panic attacks). Rather, notice the anxiety in your body and witness it. Don’t go to war with it. Don’t react to it. It 100% has a solid reason for being there—for the moment you don’t know why, but just let it come in and dance around in your space rather than trying to shut the door on it. Anxiety is stuck frantic energy, make sure you have food in your belly, lie down, take deep breaths, hold yourself as though you are both the parent holdiing the baby… and try and let it be.
Healthy body, mind and heart
It is also important to take care of yourself physically, especially the first few days after the big break. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising. Engaging in regular physical activity can help boost your mood and energy levels, and will give you a sense of accomplishment. The herb hawthorn has been known to support the energetics of the heart, so find it at your health food store.
Ensure you have the support you need.
Another way to take care of yourself is to surround yourself with people who love and respect you. Spend time with friends and family who will support and encourage you. This can be family and friends but also psychological support, such as a therapist or, if you can’t afford one, a grief program. At The Heartful we have an efficient process for swiftly resolving breakup-induced grief, with methods that are proven to complete grief on both an emotional and relational level. These are simple yet powerful techniques used by the most celebrated therapists and counsellors. Over time, they change your neural pathways and allow your heart to shine again.
Write a letter to your ex
Writing a letter to your ex is one of the most powerful things you can do for a sense of resolution. Don’t ever send it to them, but do write it as though you are communicating with them. Tell them what you feel about the way things were and let them know what you’re unhappy about.
You can use these prompts to journal on, too:
Right now, I spend my days wondering …
If I could say anything I would say …
The thing I regret the most is …
I wish I had done this different:
I wish I had done this better:
I wish I had done this more:
Thank you for…
Fuck you for…
I’m sorry that I…
Stay present and future-focused
It is also important to focus on the present and the future, rather than dwelling on the past. Studies show that dwelling on the past creates negative neural pathways in the brain that can lead to—in the worst case— depression (but this doens’t go for any therepeutic exercises you do, as they can blast the past away efficiently, preventing you from feeling the weight of the past in your heart).
An unhealed heart can also mean the bad habits and symptoms of grief are harder to avoid: isolation, over-drinking and lethargy (if someone had told me grief created lethargy before my chronic fatigue diagnosis I would have saved a lot of money).
It’s always better to take steps to interact with your grief on a level that leads to healing—this has been shown to create healthy levels of seretonin in the brain. Also, set new goals for yourself and work towards them. This will give you a sense of purpose and direction, and will help you to see that your life can be fulfilling and rewarding even without your ex.
Embrace hobbies
Additionally, try to keep yourself busy by engaging in activities you enjoy. Whether it is reading, writing, playing music, or going for a walk, find something that brings you joy and focus on it.
Lastly, try to be kind and gentle with yourself. Remember that healing takes time, and that it is okay to have good days and bad days. Try to be patient and understanding with yourself, and know that it is okay to ask for help when you need it.
If you want more help processing your breakup or divorce head to our sign up page. Grief doesn’t need to be a burdern, but so often it is. It’s one hundred percent possible to live a life you love and gives you waves of vibrant energy. Healing your heart allows the universe to work through you more efficiently. Stay golden. xx