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WHAT YOU NEED FOR THIS WORKSHOP:

We ask you to create a quiet and safe place where you can do this workshop alone, without being interrupted.

You’ll need a journal, pen and earphones.

WELCOME

CONTENT: This course includes both written exercises (for deeper conscious integration) and Inner Space Patternings (ISPs) that re-pattern the subconscious mind by creating new neural pathways — new positive loops that change the way you think and feel.

RESISTANCE: When dealing with deep-seated emotions we all encounter resistance, the desire to do anything else but this! The best thing you can do when facing resistance is to say to yourself “I don’t want to do this anymore and therefore I know I have something to see and feel.” Take note: some resistance is very clever, since our conscious minds have built up such a great defense to change.

So watch out for the following:

Feeling bored

Feeling lethargic

Feeling like you’re better than this

Feeling like nobody understands how hard this is

Feeling that nothing is ever going to change

TRIGGERS: If you feel triggered contact a therapist or friend to help you through any feelings that come up during this workshop. It is natural and normal to feel the depths of loss, despair, hopelessness and sadness during this time.

TIMING: You can do a chapter a day or if there is no Inner Space Patterning (hypnosis) then you can do two at a go. But for major shifts, cognitive changes or emotional releases stop there and let it process for at least six —12 hours.

MAKING SPACE: As you are deconstructing and healing old parts of yourself, know that you are making space for a life that is more aligned with your soul’s growth.

HONORING YOUR PAIN: We want to take a moment to say, even though we don’t know your pain (every relationship is unique and therefore all grief is unique) we honor your pain. We have been there. And we’ve got you.

In signing up to this course you are stepping out of victimhood and accepting responsibility for your own heartbreak.

You are choosing a full heart and a full recovery instead of avoidance, bitterness and loneliness.

You are choosing love.

The Heartful xx

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This is a safe community, created to encourage communication between each other and to share experiences. Please leave questions and comments below for your fellow friends to respond based on their personal experience. Constructive and nurturing feedback only.

 HEARTBREAK

Heartbreak is probably the hardest thing you’ll go through. Today, however, you are accepting responsibility for your heartbreak and you are taking steps to transform your relationship to your loss. Whether it’s the ending of a relationship, job, bankruptcy, friendship, a move overseas or a family member no longer talking to you — if you perceive a loss as painful and have unexpressed feelings about that loss then you will be dealing with grief.

HEARTBREAK & GRIEF

Let’s take a moment to talk about the difference between heartbreak and grief. Heartbreak lasts for a few moments, days or weeks, but grief can last for a lifetime, festering beneath the surface. Heartbreak is like the energetic young child whilst grief is like a tired middle-aged shadow. Time — and resolution — is the decisive factor between the two.

Heartbreak is a sudden splitting open of the fourth chakra where your heart sits. Even our bodies experience the emotional pain as physical pain — hence the loss of appetite, the need to sleep, the actual feeling that you’re hurting.

Grief, meanwhile, has a tendency to close down the heart and retreat like a cat to the darkest corner of the house. Over time, lingering grief intrudes slowly into a person’s life and personality, dimming the inner light.

Heartbreak is easier to process given the right tools. Grief, meanwhile, has lived longer and can be harder to detect with the ordinary mind. This is why we use subconscious Inner Space Patternings to get beneath the surface of the Ordinary Mental Consciousness (OMC).

Heartbreak is also a REMINDER

Every heartbreak you experience is an invitation to cleanse your heart of previous sadness. Why? Heartbreak will often bring up issues from your childhood that need healing and it is this healing that ultimately sets you free as a person — to find your birthright of joy, peace and radiance.

Make it sound so easy, right?

Sadly, in our Western culture people don’t know how to grieve anymore. People tell you to move on, to be happy for other things in your life but this sort of behavior leads to incomplete grieving.

And incomplete grieving is where the dangers lie — addictions, sadness, lethargy, bad habits and a stalled life.

So what happens when we grieve fully?

We can’t take the loss event away but we can heal our relationship to that loss.

• When our relationship to the loss is healed, when we resolve our thoughts and feelings around that loss then we start to feel more alive, happier and brighter as though the clouds have cleared and the sun is pouring in.

• There will be an abundance of energy to create, to feel joy and inspiration.

• This is what transformed grief feels like — the presence of joy in your everyday life. It’s the wisdom that you know of life’s great sadness — but that you choose to live in the light.

KNOW THAT: You have committed to this course because you want to find your own true joy and radiance, without the fog of incomplete grief that grows heavier every day. After all, when you are a master of your own heart you can call in the life you really want to live — the life you truly deserve.

Unacknowledged heartbreak can become a long slowly dwindling grief. This can effect your life and your relationships, causing you to lose energy and to head into the sad realm of despair and isolation.

HEARTBREAK IS LAYERED: When your heart is mushed to monkey meat by someone, even if it was a short-term relationship, you are dealing with that loss PLUS all the other losses you’ve never dealt with previously.

REAL PHYSICAL DEATH: If someone has died, you’re being asked to claim a part of your heart that you never knew existed. This is a radical invitation to awakening.

AN OPPORTUNITY

When we are rocked to our lowest point by heartbreak we are really being given an opportunity to declutter our hearts and to uplevel into more complete versions of ourselves. So try not to react to the grief you’re feeling. Know that an intense burst of sadness and pain always equates to a lighter spirit in the long run. The stronger the surge of heartbreak, the surer the sign that you’re actually healing it.

If you’re dealing with a divorce head over here to read this. Otherwise continue on below.

LISTEN

Today we are going to create an ideal adult figure to help you soothe your heart in this time of grief. Whenever you feel sad you can turn on this recording and have this person tend to your heart and your feelings of loss.

So now close the door, turn off your phone and listen.

ANSWER:

• What age does this loss bring up?

• What did you need at that age?

• Who did you need it from?

• How can you continue to give your “younger you” the things she needs?

• Journal more about the impact this loss has had on you and your history of loss.

Know that

Nothing in your life can change until you take responsibility for healing your grief.

You must take responsibility for your current reaction to what happened in the past in order to heal and be free.

Doing this course is your way of articulating that you are not going to be a victim of this loss.

An incomplete past can often mean a lonely, unsatisfying or isolated future

And we want you to be happy

Be sure to honour yourself the next few days. If you’re tired, rest. Take epsom salt baths and cancel your meetings so you can fully heal.

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This is a safe community, created to encourage communication between each other and to share experiences. Please leave questions and comments below for your fellow friends to respond based on their personal experience. Constructive and nurturing feedback only.

INCOMPLETE grief

Grief is our relationship to the unfinished business from a death, break-up or loss.

Often this can be a conflicting group of both positive and negative feelings about the loss.

As a simple example, you may feel relieved your marriage is over if it was dysfunctional, but equally you may grieve your partner’s soul, the glimmer you first saw.

You can feel sad your father died, but also relieved because he was so sick for so long.

It all gets down to what you need to communicate or express so that:

your own relationship to the unfinished business between you and the loss is expressed.

That is what grief essentially is:

Your relationship to the unfinished business

between you and the person/loss

This is why effective grieving is about resolving and completing the past loss and its effect on you.

By ‘resolving’ we mean — the journey you take to understand your relationship to the loss. This journey includes talking about it, crying about it and coming to terms with the confusing array of emotions you feel.

You’re not being asked to see the grief as ‘okay’ necessarily (especially if someone has died) but you are accepting that the loss has happened and that you have the power to be in or out of alignment with it.

You are healing and resolving your relationship to that loss. And since every relationship is unique, every grieving process will be different — but addressing your relationship to the loss is key.

Universal baggage

When you consider that most adults have between nine to 15 major losses in their lives, this is a lot of baggage to be carrying. When a loss is particularly difficult, eg. a divorce, or a death of a close family member, and when you face other stresses you are in danger of sliding into depression. Our hearts can’t deal with this amount of pain, which is why we need to tend to our hearts lovingly.

We all know people who have gone through deaths or difficult divorces — there’s a certain loss of light within them. You’ll see it in their eyes that don’t sparkle like they once used to. Or you’ll see it in their addictive behaviors such as alcohol, drugs or food — what we call heart fillers. The heartbreak was too heavy for them, they didn’t have the resources to heal properly and fell back into a landscape of numbness — a life lived within the realm of a broken heart.

This is not going to happen to you

By doing this course you are declaring a morotorium on your unprocessed grief. We are going to dive deep and feel courageously.

Answer these questions:

Get quiet, take out your journals and pen and make sure you’re not going to be disturbed.

Take five long, deep breaths.

Think about your person of loss, and feel your heart. What is the main emotional quality you can feel in your current heartbreak? (loss, fear, anger, sadness)

When have you felt this main quality in your life before?

What happened at this age?

Journal on this freely for five minutes. See where it takes you.

Take a moment to breathe into this…

Journal out anything else that comes up — any people, family or events you remember. There is no right way — there are only impressions and feelings.

Write it all down.

AUDIO

Now it’s time to pop on the recording and discover more about your current loss and what you need to say to your person of loss (your ex).

Find a quiet place, with no distractions, and be prepared to get emotional. If you do feel strong grief or emotion, know that this is an integral part of healing, so don’t freak out, think you’re falling apart or react to being emotional. Put an eye pillow over your eyes and take deep breaths….

ANSWER

Now sit up softly and answer these questions by journalling and not over-thinking the answers. Go with the sensations and visuals and memories that come up:

What was it that you needed to say to your person of loss (ex, ex-husband, ex-company, ex boss, deceased family member)?

Did you ever get a chance to communicate these things to them before?

Saying what we need to say can help us complete our grief, so write down everything you’d like to say to them.

Both the positive things and the negative things.

After time, your neural pathways adapt to the idea that you are held in loving safety, that as a child you were supported and loved, even if you actually had a dysfunctional upbringing (honestly like about 70% of us).

Through simple repetition, this ISP will build new neural pathways in your brain — a new pattern of positive neurons — over your older ones. This helps you to feel more supported in this time of loss.

TIPS

BLOCKED: If you’re heartbroken but not feeling it move through you then you may need a little help in softening. What to do? Taking baths, a little CBD oil, listening to binaural beats on Meditative Mind can also open the heart and the vagus nerve.

If you’ve been heartbroken for many months and feel that you’re sliding into depression please seek help from a therapist or friend. Heartbreak can be tough but usually you will feel better after a big emotional release. You’ll have moments of sunlight dispersed with moments of the dark. If you find you’re having whole days — beyond a short week — immersed in intense darkness and pain then this is different and needs to be addressed by a one-on-one therapist.

 Choosing to grieve

As we explored yesterday, heartbreak is handled incorrectly today in our society. We no longer have any myths or rituals to help us heal a broken heart. We have TV, wine and money. We have capitalism which tells us that if we aren’t working we aren’t valuable. To be unable to work due to your heartbreak is a terrible thing. To work and not cater to your broken heart properly is — in the long term — even worse.

Children can feel when their parents haven’t mourned a major loss properly. This can be a huge psychic burden for a child to carry, since the parent’s unexamined shadow is often felt or lived by the child. If a divorce has taken place then the child will be dealing with both the parents’ grief as well as their own, and maybe even their siblings and extended family too.

People often talk in therapy about having had to carry their parents’ heartbreak for them in childhood. This is a classic way in which grieving styles have long-term effects on families. This is why it’s so important as a parent to handle your heartbreak properly and completely — so that you don’t unwillingly pass it onto your child. Even if you’re not a parent, if you don’t process your huge losses today they could be haunting you in the future when you do have children.

the myths

Identifying myths about heartbreak and looking at our inherited grieving styles can be helpful as it shows us how we are often a product of our dysfunctional relationship to grief.

In some communities there are rituals and festivals to put a use-by date on the grief. But in our western world we are allowed a short time of recuperation and then we’re expected back at work.

Did you hear the following phrases when you went through previous deaths, break ups or other changes that made you feel grief?

“Don’t feel bad”

“Time will heal”

“You must grieve alone”

“You need to be strong for your mom/kid/friend”

“Just stay busy”

Don’t pay attention to any of this from now on. Because it’s not helpful for those experiencing heartbreak and grief.

But these sorts of phrases, above, imply that there is something wrong with you if you choose to grieve or if you’re unable to handle your grief and everyday life together. Sadly, when we haven’t grieved wholly we become victims of grief — of a broken heart. It can dictate our behaviour and limiting thoughts; we can end up using heart fillers such as wine/shopping/food to sustain the pain we are in. This can go on for years if we aren’t careful, and it’s why we often see older people living in the shadow of their former selves. Time has robbed them of their vigour, because a broken heart and unfinished grief has robbed them of their joy.

Grief is a normal response to a loss

When we choose to heal and address our heartbreak we start to see ourselves in our true essence, without the baggage of limiting behaviors and the extra pounds from the heart fillers.

So take a quiet moment and sit with your pen and notebook.

ANSWER

How many deaths or grieving events have you been through before? Write down who died or left you, and how old you were.

Did you feel like you grieved these people properly?

Was this a positive or negative experience of grief?

Did anyone offer you support?

Was grief treated as a personal or a collective experience in these events and in your childhood?

Did you feel supported?

What attitudes did you remember at these times?

What impact did this have on your life?

Journal more about your grieving events and your greiving style, about how this has impacted your life.

Find similarities with this new heartbreak you are going through. Look at how you’ve been tempted to grieve in similar ways. Or not!

LISTEN: We are now going to discover a little more about ourselves by looking at our past.

JOURNAL

What did your heart essence feel like?

Did you see changes in your heart as you went through each age?

Or did your heart shine just as brightly throughout your life?

What did you learn about yourself as you passed through each age? What feelings or sensations came up for each age?

It’s perfectly normal to feel deeper emotions in the sub-conscious mind where they’ve been stored for many years. If these feelings are difficult for you to deal with, know that in time and with repetition you can reprogram your neural pathways using the first heartful Inner Space Patterning. If you need more substantial support with these feelings then call a friend or therapist to help you deal with what’s coming up for you.

REST

Be sure to honour yourself the next few days. If you’re tired, rest. Have a day of doona diving. Take epsom salt baths and cancel your meetings if you can. Allow yourself a lot of latitude in this time of healing.

HEART FILLERS and addictive behaviors

Grief knows how to keep you locked into limiting behaviours such as heart fillers — the use of food, wine, sex, shopping, work addiction, isolation, brow beating, complaining — to fill the void.

Seeking relief from the pain of loss is natural, but when it involves a bottle of wine every day or shopping for more than you can afford then it becomes a problem. Short-term relief doesn’t work for grief — I call these heart fillers. Heart fillers may give you more energy and make you feel better temporarily, but they also push the feelings down where they can fester.

Heart fillers can be wine, sugar, sex, shopping, rage addictions, isolation, workaholism, exercise... anything that you habitually crave to give you a hit of energy or a feel-good moment.

JOURNAL:

Which heart fillers do you indulge in daily?

Wine/food/shopping/anger/bad habits/fantasy/TV/work addiction or isolation

Write each heart filler down and answer the following for each:

How old were you when this started to be a habitual daily pattern?

What was going on the year before this?

Did you grow up with other people who used this habit for relief?

Are you ever worried about this habit?

Do you feel shame about this habit?

Have you ever talked to anyone about this habit?

If you tend to be isolated (and prefer to do courses online) then know that isolation is a heart filler of choice for you. If so, I urge you to grab a friend and read out your answers to these questions. Someone can then witness your healing and help you to complete your grief. So if you can honestly categorize yourself as isolated, please reach out.

RECAP

Now we are going to do a re-cap on what we know about heartbreak.

Grief: Is your relationship to the unfinished business between you and the person/loss.

Complete grieving: When you can communicate what you need to say so that your own relationship to the unfinished business between you and the loss is whole.

Grief is unique: Every relationship is unique, therefore every grieving process will be different.

Loss is layered: Each heartbreak unmasks previous heartbreaks. You’re doing double-duty on your wounds around loss and that is going to change your life for the better.

Heart Fillers: These are the things you habitually use to try and minimize the pain of loss.

Heartbreak is an opportunity: Heartbreak is an opportunity to address old wounds and losses — it will call into play themes from your early life.

Cracking open the heart: They say when the heart breaks the light gets in.

Making space: When you heal your heart and process your grief you make way for the new. New love, new life, new manifestation and new opportunities to live a life you really adore.

RELATIONSHIP PROJECTION

Every single relationship has a mixture of positive and negative qualities. In grieving, the mourner can often choose to either focus on only the positive or the negative aspects of that relationship. This is a clear sign that grieving hasn’t been resolved.

Positive Projection is when the mourner only remembers the good aspects of that relationship, without admitting there were negative feelings or aspects to that relationship. It’s like a form of enshrining or mythologizing that person.

Negative Projection is when the mourner only remembers the bad aspects of that relationship, without admitting there were positive aspects.

Neither lead to a complete healing journey.

True healing comes when you’re able to comprehensively declare and communicate both the positive and negative aspects of a relationship — so that your feelings about that relationship have been sealed on an emotional, psychlogical and spiritual level.

ANSWER

Sit a moment and try and remember the times you had together.

What did this person bring into your life that was positive and alive? Do you miss that?

Conversley, what did they do that caused you pain or hardship?

What would you say to them today about that if you could?

What would you thank them for?

For those who tend TOWARD ‘NEGATIVE PROJECTION’:

What was good about your relationship? Even if it means being a detective and finding the smallest nugget of humanity in this person.

What did you appreciate about the other person?

What value did you bring to the relationship?

What lessons did you learn from the relationship, even though it may have been one of pain and suffering?

What insights did you gain from the relationship?

How is your life better having had that person in it?

Were there any moments of lightness and love you can remember?

How is their life better having had you in it?

What did you bring to them?

What did you teach them?

What did you give them?

What would you like them to thank you for?

For those who tend toWARD POSITIVE PROJECTION

What was negative about your relationship and how did that person or thing limit you?

What was it about the other person that caused you pain, ever?

In what ways did they make the relationship difficult?

How did you lean on them?

What lessons did you learn from the relationship and did you put effort into learn these lessons?

Did the other person put the same effort in?

What insights did you gain from the relationship?

What sacrifices did you make for that person?

Is there anything you need to forgive them for?

HEARTBREAK SPACE

Sketching out the characteristics of a heartbreak “space" can lead you back to earlier times in your life when you felt the same qualities. This is known as an emotional samskara, an emotional pattern or wounding that you’ve carried in your life that repeats itself when triggered by contemporary circumstances.

Eg: A young child touches gets bitten by a dog. As an adult, every time she sees a dog she will feel nervous. If she goes back to feeling the feelings about the vicious dog, sensing her age as a seven year old, then she works through that trauma, no longer under the thrall of her fear of dogs.

Likewise, when we experience heartbreak it’s calling us back to childhood wounds. It’s important to dive deep into what your psyche is trying to show you, because if you can get to the root of the wound, you can really change a lot in your life.

LISTEN:

JOURNAL

What old wounds are you feeling or thinking about right now? Write them down.

How old were you?

Write down what you needed during this time. Eg more hugs, more support, more understanding, time to be alone with someone

Who was around you?

What were you doing?

What did it feel like?

What qualities does your currrent space of heartbreak have?

Map it out. Color, texture, sound, touch, taste, smell, vast, cramped, void-like.

Take note of everything you remember from your Inner Space Patterning that feels important. Describe your parents' energy and attributes when you were dealing with loss events in your childhood.

Write down anything that comes up.

Progress point

By now you should sense how this current heartbreak fits into your life. We’re also going to be doing an actual Timeline Of Loss in the next few sections with pens and paper.

Continue to be gentle with yourself.

Doona dive for a day.

You’re doing a lot of internal work. Know that this heavy lifting will clear up a lot of emotional pain so that you can be the shining heart-of-gold YOU that you came here to be.

Your timeline of loss

Today you are going to grab a large notebook and your pens and sit in a quiet place to create your own timeline of loss.

Your timeline of loss will show your retina and OMC what losses you have endured. In doing so, your heart will be called into action.

Since grief is a reaction to loss, any loss can be grieved.

Therefore, you might still be carrying unfinished grief about a house move when you were ten, or about the loss of your family nanny, or about changing a school, or about when your parents’ divorce.

If you haven’t resolved and completed your relationship to the pain and confusion caused by the loss, then it is stealing you of energy and vitality and effecting your everyday life.

This chapter is designed to highlight what you haven’t properly grieved in your life.

RULES FOR YOUR TIMELINE OF LOSS:

Don’t be over analytical, let details go

If feelings come up then let them come, unexplained

Don’t get obsessed with doing this the right way

Don’t do this after drinking or drugs

Give this exercise a full hour. Don’t break it down into little parts.

You need to do your entire timeline of loss in this hour or so. Otherwise your mind can’t process the full scope of your loss history.

REMEMBER

A LOSS is any change/ending that causes you pain, anguish or conflicting feelings. This can be death, divorce, bankruptcy, house/school move, bodily changes, diseases, adolescence, middle age, job loss, menopause etc.

Making your timeline of loss

Essentially a timeline of loss is a straight line drawn across a few large pages, that starts at birth/infancy and then goes until the current year. Like this:

Birth ________________ MID POINT (half your age now)_______________ current year

Draw this line, above, across a large poster-sized page or across two pages in a large notebook. It needs to have enough space around it that you can write many notes around it. I recommend some butchers paper or two pages from a large notebook.

Now ask yourself:

what is the most emotionally painful loss I have endured?

Find your most painful loss and mark it down between the correct ages. Describe it on the timeline with a little bubble and put a circle around it. Give it a tag as Number 1.

We are much more interested in your emotional responses to the losses you’re logging, not the exact date and time. So if you don’t know the exact year just estimate.

Know that this can be an emotional process. If sadness or tears come up, then pause and allow yourself to rememeber that loss/person and to feel the emotion, without overthinking.

Make notes on another peice of paper or on the edges of your graph, labeled under the loss’s name. For instance, after putting number 1 on your graph with a blot or circle, make a line from this to title the loss (eg: dad died) and then if you have space write key themes about it. “Dad died: Sadness engulfed me, confusion, felt like the world ended.”

After this, try and remember other losses and mark them down on your timeline.

Eg: Dog died, mum got sick, dad had an affair, sister moved out.

You should have anywhere between 5 and 15 losses on your timeline.

Now give a page to each in your notebook with a corresponding number.

You will, during this hour-long process, address three or so of the major losses and write about them at length in the notebook.

About ten minutes for each.

You will write freehand and automatic-writing-style about how this loss felt to you/feels to you.

Journal your heart out. Let the pen run off the page, it doesn’t matter if it’s illegible.

If you get stuck you can address the loss person “Dear Dad” and write him a letter. Or listen to your instinct and let your heart write the words for you.

Let images, words, and themes arise. Note them down.

————————

Emotional

Having finished the graph you might be emotional, if so let the feelings come up. Don’t push them down. It’s better to spend 30 minutes sobbing rather than trying to figure out what you are sobbing about. The analysis can come another time, for now just feel.

As I wrote before, do the key losses first. This may mean writing about two or three at first, during the same time that you’re doing your timeline. You can complete the other losses later in the following days.

Go slowly and note any words or phrases that come up, and note them down.

Sometimes if you sense yourself at the age the loss transpired, eg yourself as a young child, then writing a letter to your little girl (or little boy) helps enourmously.

You will feel a range of emotions as you do this timeline of loss, and that is what we are going for. So when you start to feel an emotion don’t overthink it and push it down, rather let it bubble up and draw, write or make sound about it as you let the tears flow.

People are teachers

People are teachers and the universe is our school. People serve as lessons in our lives, and everyone we cross paths with on a deep level reflects a part of us that needs healing. None of this processing needs to make sense. Don’t analyse what you’re feeling but rather let the feelings flow.

Numbing out?

This is a part of the course where you will be tempted to slow down. Make a note of any resistance you’re feeling — this is your OMC trying to not to feel the pain. But know that avoiding the pain has meant heart fillers, an unfulfilling life and relationships and possible isolation.

It might take you a few hours or a few days to finish this.

• A timeline of loss numbered one — 15 with a brief one word or sentence description

• A page for each major loss where you have written notes, feelings and thoughts about that loss

• A page of notes about themes or patterns that come up in your grieving style (eg, tendency to isolate, tendency to externalize, etc). Now is a great time to see your bad grieving habits and how you possibly inherited these from your family.

LISTEN

Today or tomorrow if you want, choose the main loss from your life and keep that one person in mind as you do the recording. This is where you are going to get even deeper healing, on a sub-conscious level. You’re literally re-wiring neurological pathways to acheive feelings of resolution and completeness. Be sure to know who your ideal adult figure is before you do the recording.

You’re going to do the Patterning for each of your major losses, so this can take days or weeks as this should amount to three to five people.

Witness your timeline of loss

Today you are going to show a friend or family member your timeline of loss and talk them through your history of loss.

Telling another person your history of loss brings the grief from the fourth chakra up through the fifth throat chakra to be heard, spoken and released.

The feelings of resolution, equanimity and joy acheived by this exercise will change your life. So no shortcuts!

If you absolutely can’t find another person then you can look into the mirror and talk to yourelf.... until a suitable person comes along. Or you can get on skype. Or you can pay a therapist. The true path to healing is to have someone witness your timeline of loss in person.

Let’s go

I want you to honestly and clearly talk through your timeline of loss with your friend. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should be about five minutes or less. Imagine you are giving a conference to the board of directors of your heart. Recap the major losses you have endured, or alternatively go through your life from zero to current age. Do what feels good to you, in an ordered sort of manner. You must give us a total picture of your life of loss, using the timeline in your hand to help you if you get stuck. For all 15 or so losses:

Tell us what happened.

Tell us how you found out and how you felt in that moment.

Tell us what was negative or positive about that loss.

What you needed to say about that person and didn’t.

How you dealt with that loss at that time, how it changed you.

Whether you put a positive or negative projection on your loss/person.

What loss rituals/grieving styles you used for that loss and how this effected you.

Try and explain it chronologically.

Fitting the pieces together.

If you cry, let the tears come.

Don’t push the words down unless you need to cry — in which case resume talking once the cry is complete (don’t rush this).

After you’ve done your talking, you can ask for a hug, only if you want one.

After this, talk about how your family / friends / society mishandled grief and how you resorted to heart fillers.

You’re trying to find a connection between your old grief habits and the way it has impacted your life.

Once you have talked about everything on your timeline (and cried and hugged) it’s time to seal the process by standing up and saying to yourself

“I am now at peace with my past losses. I’m ready to live in joy, radiance and abundance.”