Dating Again After A Divorce And No, You're Crying
Going through a divorce is like playing mental jujitsu with a KGB spy beneath the dream tree. You wake up feeling wrong, stressed, subject to slowly passing thunderous clouds and waves of emotion. And the nothingness. I had the nothingness so badly when I was going through my two-continent, six-figure, we-aren’t-even-fighting-over-millions divorce. It can leave you feeling vulnerable, uncertain, and anxious about what the future holds. When it comes to starting to date again, it can be like trying to fit into your skinny jeans from the noughties. You need to put yourself out there and become vulnerable once more, which is like eating two-day old brie cheese that hasn’t been refrigerated—damn yes, you want it, but you risk ending up on the bathroom floor for a night in waves of pain and regret.
Or maybe I’m overthinking it.
Either way, here are some tips on how to start dating again after a divorce has left you feeling like a sack of old, brused apples:
Take time to heal: Before you start dating again, it's important to take time to heal and process your emotions. This means giving yourself the space and time you need to come to terms with your divorce and your feelings around it. Rushing into dating too soon can be a bad idea, as it may prevent you from properly healing and moving on. Take the time you need to focus on yourself, engage in self-care activities, and surround yourself with people who support and uplift you. For all those avoidants out there, know that isolation can be a grief-induced habit (isn’t this mind-blowing?) similar to overeating and being tired all the damn time.
Set realistic expectations: When you do feel ready to start dating again, it's important to set realistic expectations for yourself and your potential partners. Don't rush into anything too quickly, and be clear about what you're looking for in a relationship. Remember that it's okay to take things slow and get to know someone over time. Be open to the possibility that your wants and needs may change as you start dating again.
Focus on the present moment: It's easy to get caught up in the past or worry about the future when starting to date again after a divorce. However, it's important to focus on the present moment and be fully present with your potential partner. Try to avoid comparing your new relationships to your past ones, and give your dates a chance to show you who they are as individuals.
Be honest about your past: When starting to date again after a divorce, it's important to be honest with potential partners about your past. While you don't need to disclose every detail, it's important to be upfront about the fact that you have been through a divorce. This will help set the tone for open and honest communication in your new relationship.
Take things at your own pace: It's important to take things at your own pace when starting to date again after a divorce. You don't need to follow anyone else's timeline or expectations. If you're not comfortable with something, it's okay to speak up and say so. If you need time to process your feelings, it's important to take that time.
Surround yourself with positive influences: When you're starting to date again after a divorce, it's important to surround yourself with positive influences. This means spending time with people who support and uplift you, and avoiding negative or toxic relationships. This will help you maintain a positive outlook on dating and relationships, and give you the confidence to put yourself out there.
Be open to new experiences: Starting to date again after a divorce is an opportunity to try new things and have new experiences. Be open to trying new things, meeting new people, and exploring new places. This will help you keep things fresh and exciting, and can help you find new and unexpected sources of joy in your life.
Learn from past mistakes: While it's important to focus on the present moment, it's also important to learn from your past mistakes. Take the time to reflect on your past relationships and what you learned from them. Use this knowledge to make more informed decisions about your future relationships.
Be patient with yourself: Starting to date again after a divorce can be a long and sometimes difficult journey. Be patient with yourself, and don't be too hard on yourself if things don't go according to plan. Remember that it's okay to take breaks and give yourself time to regroup.
Starting to date again after a divorce can be a challenging and sometimes intimidating process but you need to put one foot in front of the other and—show up. Show up and improvise and watch as you start to feel like you’re in the land of the living again. We believe in you.